Happy New Year!!! Its 14th January 2019. What a fresh day!! Bright sunshine painting everything gold at 10am!! Wow!! I am standing on the roadside and having tea with my cousin brother. Few people are sipping hot, steaming tea, enjoying a gossip and sharing laughter, few people rushing to their work and I am reminded of Louis Armstrong’s song, What a wonderful World!
It’s a cold day out here. The temperature is around 18-20 degrees C but I am not wearing a sweatshirt/cardigan/jacket. I did not get one of my size in the shops here you see. I believe, I don’t feel that cold.
I look at slim people around me. They have leaner bodies, wearing nicely fitting bright sweatshirts and jackets and amazing, comfort fit jeans. There’s music being played in a nearby electronics shop. There are two guys, thin guys dancing.
I am a fat man. I am wearing a Jeans too, though a Plus size obviously. A dark coloured full sleeve shirt on top so that I believe, I don’t appear fat but a tad slimmer.
My slim cousin brother also having tea with me wants to pay for the tea. As he reaches out to pull out some cash, a coin falls out of his pocket. We both bend down to pick it up. I pick it up eventually but while I bent, my left hand went out, hopefully secretly, to reach my pouting flab on the side. His left hand remained in his left pocket. I noticed. When I straightened up, I had to pull my jeans slightly up. He didn’t have to. I noticed.
As a fat man now, I don’t believe that I can be like all the slim and fit people around me, walking so lightly in their standard sizes branded jeans and t-shirts. I don’t believe I can dance like them and not get tired. They just don’t seem to be conscious about their bodies. I am!! All the bloody time.
Everyone around me is thin!! Everywhere I look, I see slim people. I’m a bloody isolation. Maybe I don’t deserve to be like them.
I’m so low that all these years I’ve been saying to myself, “I DON’T feel cold”, “I DON’T believe” and “I DON’T deserve.”
DON’T, is notches harder than CAN’T. As if Cast in Iron, not solidified wax that can be melted by a flame.
I am Living through it! I am Feeling it!
Are you also Living this pain and Feeling it as I am?
Would you like to share your pain with me? I believe, Pain connects and bonds more strongly than pleasure and happiness.