Hi!! It’s been some time since we met. It’s the 20th of Jan 2019, a Sunday!! My sister has shared some exciting videos on WhatsApp. We had celebrated my cousin sister’s birthday couple of weeks back. I sang four songs of Kishore Kumar, full of energy, making my family members and friends dance like mad men and mad women!! I too, danced like a beast just let out of shackles. Hahaha!!
So I, along with few of my family members start looking at the videos, with a sense of pride in that I was the centre point of the party’s energy while I was singing those songs. Ooooooo! I just love the way I fizzed up the pulse there!! All of us re-living that fizz together!! Amazing!!
52 inches of waist trying to do a local rumba and the cha-cha, surrounded by young and old, less than 34 inches of waists doesn’t taste and smell well I must admit. And of course, those innumerable times my hands reaching the waistband, pulling up my jeans, tugging my shirt in and feeling those billowing waves of fat; Despite the high tempo behind the camera; Despite the claps, whistles, cheers and accolades coming from behind.
I think I see shades of that in the sparkling eyes of my loved ones too.
Then comes a clip of the amazing snacks and main course laid!! I must admit that I crave for non-vegetarian food. Chicken/fish-in-sweet-mayonnaise, fried river water fish, fried prawns are my weak spots. I crave for fast food, roadside Indianized Chinese Chow Mein, Momos, Rolls. I just lovvvvve yummy deserts and juicy cakes. I can even die for Rabri + Jalebi. Almost all of these were there!! HEAVEN God!!!
But in one part of the video, it’s me surrounded by other leaner bodies with their plates too. I see my plate the least full among others, one piece of chicken tandoori, one fish finger, one tandoori roti and three or four slices of cucumber. You would have guessed by now, at that point, a momentary dash of pride flares in my eyes. But I develop “a smile in pain or a pain in smile”. (I can’t say which one). There might be a sense of empathy in the room now. Maybe sympathy. Or maybe the silent embarrassment of the 52 inches of fat dancing has overpowered any sympathy or empathy.
I genuinely have tried. I won’t elaborate that history. You all would be living through those efforts. Yet just to summarize my efforts, I stopped eating Pizzas, French Fries, Burgers and Deep-Fried snacks a year ago. I tasted Rabri and Jalebi last, maybe around June 2018. All carbonated drinks stopped since June 2018. Sugar stopped since Aug 2018. Chips have been on, once in a while.
Basically, I killed myself a year ago, in multiple attempts to live and feel like “They”. And yet these billowing waves of fat from beneath my shoulders, all through to the thighs, TODAY!! Killing a dead person again and again!!
“They” all appear to have been blessed with some damn good gene (Let’s call it the Boon Gene) that steps up their metabolism whenever and whatever they eat. I definitely have not been blessed with that gene!! (I am giving the benefit of doubt to God that He made a good gene that naturally burns your calories as soon as they add; Not a bad gene that slows down that burning. Take it as a compliment from me dear God!!).
I think of proposing an experiment. Take me and one of “They” and record our weights. Now feed the same meal in the same amount to both of us (It should be a full meal, not ounces to taste). Compare our weights after four hours. My hunch is, I’ll weigh half a Kg more than what I weighed before. The “They” one, will weigh exactly the same as he/she was, before having the meal.
I just think, but actually haven’t carried out this experiment as yet. I’m afraid there might be an equalizer. In that case, I lose all my reasons. Till then, I’ll let God have the benefit of blessing “They” with the Boon Gene.
I hesitate but do look into the mirror; I think far behind inside it, there is a hazy reflection of a lean someone, probably looking like me and I think to myself for a moment, “Is it you there? The Boon gene would have suited you much more than all of them. You deserve it more than anyone else!”.
Are you also looking at “You” in the mirror? Please do let me know.
Success is counted sweetest
By those who ne’er succeed.
To comprehend a nectarEmily Dickinson
Requires sorest need.