Hi friends. It’s the 6th of Feb 2019. Apologies for the delay, but I couldn’t help it. I’ve been living through some sort of a tug-of-war in my brain between the gladiator that is pushing me to start this fight against my obesity and some really bad chemical building up in my brain that seems to pull me back into the cant-less state (Read my first blog post: A “Can’t-less” state. Cast in Iron. Each Day. Published 15/Jan/2019)
Damn this tough, maddening battle, I find myself reaching a “stateless state”, feeling mentally paralysed to take the first step knowing very well, I have to. Its strange and painful. One part of my mind races through what all needs to be done like diet, walks, brisk walks, gym and cardio etc. The other part just doesn’t let my hands and legs rise and move in that direction. I don’t know which of those two parts is doing this but I’ve been surfing through hundreds of web sites, blogs and articles on obesity, success stories, diets, exercises, psychology and schedules. There are many, many brilliant people out there and hats off to each one of them for sharing their journeys from being morbidly obese to achieving a fitter body.
Each time I read a success story, I imagine myself transforming from They, to You, to I. I know very well that this could have one of two effects; Either make me more restless to start doing something about it, or make me think that this is day dreaming only. Honestly, each time till now it has felt like I am day-dreaming, similar to how you feel after having a heavy lunch on a much-deserved holiday! But believe me, this is disgusting, not comforting!!
I’m in a bad shape. Personal problems included. I’m with Diabetes. My feet and knee joints ache. Fortunately, my blood pressure and cholesterol are within normal limits…as of now!
As a physician, I understand that Obesity is a factor either as a cause or as a risk, for a multitude of health problems but, as a patient with Obesity, when all my physicians keep advising me to lose weight for whatever problem I visit them, it pulls me into my cant-less cocoon even stronger. It makes me feel utterly guilty! It makes me want to avoid even visiting any physician. It makes me more isolated! I just wish, if physicians could allow a room of avoidance on certain occasions and allow me open to up by myself rather than being subjected to a bottle opener.
But then, the pain of all this flab is just too much today. I can feel that the pain is an aggregation of each day in all those years since I realized and I was reminded again and again, that I am growing fatter and I was too helpless but just see it happen and take over me. I tell myself again. This is a war and I am the lone gladiator. Its me who has to jump onto the battlefield, catch my enemy off-guard and rip through those ugly billows. The wait of weight will go on till eternity because it depends on me to fire the first shot!
No, I won’t start with a strategy on paper now. I wasn’t correct in my last post towards the end (My blog post: I am a gladiator. They aren’t. Published 28/Jan/2019). Strategy, tactics, road-map, foreseeing challenges, risks, test-runs, pilots etc. etc. are all brilliant terms for day-dreaming when it comes to a war. There is a plan to start and there is a first step. Rest is all on the battlefield! It’s like diving into water to learn to swim. You know the lessons, you know the dangers. But when you jump into the water, it’s the pool that takes over and teaches you.
So, the plan to start is what I can start with depending on what I can do today…within my limits and within my real world today. I know it’s as tough as easy it seems.
The first step… is just doing it!! Lets Do it then!
Boys, from the first time you prod, And thrust with spears of curtain rod,Robert Graves
From the first time you tear and slash, Your long bows from the garden ash,
Or fit your shaft with a blue jay together, Binding the split tops together,
From that same hour by fate you’re bound, As champions of this stony ground.
Please do share your thoughts and feedback through comments.